Crying

I told a friend for the first time today that Simone's birthday is coming up. I started to say anniversary of her death and I stopped and I said her birthday. I don't know the difference. I don't know if there really is one. All I know is that she slipped away, and I can't stand it. I looked at her pictures last night. I will force myself to open her box and take everything out, and read every card, and hold her plastered feet, and the clipping of her black hair. I am saving everything for next week. I don't want to spoil my precious moments. I already lost so many, these I need to myself. I remember right after she died I couldn't wait for Gus and Ethan to leave the house together, because then I could sit and cry and not care. There are so many moments that are flooding in. I am saving them all, but one I can share now. It hurt so bad and I wanted someone else to be as uncomfortable and speechless as me, so I did a horrible thing. I called my companies employee benefits center and talked to a gal about life insurance. I knew she was gonna tell me I couldn't get it because Simone never actually "lived". I just wanted to hear her say it out loud. And I wanted her to say it out loud because I needed it to hurt even harder than it already did.