Crying

I told a friend for the first time today that Simone's birthday is coming up. I started to say anniversary of her death and I stopped and I said her birthday. I don't know the difference. I don't know if there really is one. All I know is that she slipped away, and I can't stand it. I looked at her pictures last night. I will force myself to open her box and take everything out, and read every card, and hold her plastered feet, and the clipping of her black hair. I am saving everything for next week. I don't want to spoil my precious moments. I already lost so many, these I need to myself. I remember right after she died I couldn't wait for Gus and Ethan to leave the house together, because then I could sit and cry and not care. There are so many moments that are flooding in. I am saving them all, but one I can share now. It hurt so bad and I wanted someone else to be as uncomfortable and speechless as me, so I did a horrible thing. I called my companies employee benefits center and talked to a gal about life insurance. I knew she was gonna tell me I couldn't get it because Simone never actually "lived". I just wanted to hear her say it out loud. And I wanted her to say it out loud because I needed it to hurt even harder than it already did.

Almost There

Almost there...it's that time of year again where my mind is consumed by memories. It's difficult to put it away, and really I don't want to, but I know that I scare people with my thoughts. So I don't talk about it. Correction, I try really hard not to talk about it. I think people probably get sick of hearing me mention Simone. I just can't help it. She's my child. And what do you say to someone that talks about their dead child. There isn't anything to say, and I end up putting people on the spot so I just shut up. I still can't answer the question, how many children do you have. I like going to the doctor, because then when they ask me, I can give the full answer. The eye doctor and his assistant got the whole story from me two weeks ago. Something about the title doctor and I just open up. He didn't care, and neither did she, and then I made my husband uncomfortable because his appointment was after mine and everyone in the office knew all about us!  So I found a place to talk. Right here. And if anyone listens, that's okay, but really it's just for me.