Unexpected Jolts

I just got an unexpected jolt. A sick to my stomach unexpected jolt that I was totally unprepared for. I am not sure if its writing this blog or just other things that are going on in life that have made Simone a constant, daily thought, but when I say she is always on my mind, I really truly mean she is always on my mind. So Facebook is changing again. I really need to be done with Facebook, and I keep thinking of shutting it down, but in reality, at 3:00 in the afternoon when the day starts to drag, I do enjoy doing a little snooping. I got the message today on my home page that you change your page now or it goes into effect some day soon. I chose to change it now, and the new kinda cool looking page comes up. I like it. But then I start to scroll down my timeline. And posts from years ago that I don't even remember and have not seen since they were posted are all there. And right there in the middle of December 2009 I post about getting Simone's clothes washed before we bring her home, and how Gus and I can hardly believe in the next few weeks we will be bringing Ethan's sister home. Aargh! Then I get this icky feeling in my stomach and think I should just hit delete and get rid of it, but I can't! I can't hit that darn button and know that I will never have to see that again. And then I posted when we had our 11 week ultrasound, and it just kills me to think that our poor little baby girl's heart was already hurting her at 11 weeks. She was a tough little cookie to keep fighting as long as she did. Darn Facebook, I wasn't prepared for that.

Sent To Me

I had heard it before, that someone has said "you were sent to me today". When I hear it, I have to stop and think, "were you sent to me today"?  I met Cindy today. My neighbor in THE brick house on the hill two houses up. My DREAM house that I walk by and imagine owning some day. The brick house sits high up on the hill overlooking all of Fountain City and the Mississippi River. And Cindy lives there. I was at the dentist this morning. A new office that I had not been too before and Cindy was my hygenist. After she confirmed which house I live in and that we are indeed neighbors we started to gossip about the small town and had a few hearty laughs. Half an hour later we decide that she better get cleaning my teeth and we made plans to finish the talk over coffee at her house and I'd get the grand tour. I am laying down and my mouth is wide open and she starts to work on my teeth and she asks the question that always stalls me while I try to decide how to answer. How many children do you have? My mouth was full so all I really got out was "boy and twins". Next question..."were the twins a surprise"? As we all know, when I am in a doctors office I always spill my guts, so of course I give her the correct answer. "Yes, it was a shock. We lost a full term baby girl and six weeks later I was pregnant with twins." Cindy didn't say a word. My eyes were closed because I always close my eyes and grip the chair at the dentist. I opened one eye, then the other. Her head is right over me and her eyes were all clear and glassy. And she whispered, I lost three. THREE!!! Yes, three full term baby girls. At this point she gets right to working on my teeth and she talks. I think she left all the gear in my mouth on purpose because she didn't need me to say a word back, just to listen. Now, Cindy is at least 50 plus years old. And I know she hasn't talked about her three babies in a long time. Because she needed to talk. She told me how her marriage barely survived, and how she knew her husband wanted a large family so despite the risks she kept trying to give him that large family. After baby girl three her doctor said, Cindy no more. All three little girls went to science. She never held one of them. With baby girl number two, she found out on a Sunday that she had died. Her husband was out of town, so she waited for three days to have a csection. She went to work for three days and never told anybody! And after each child lost she continued on with work and life not telling anybody what happened. To this day people who knew her back then think she has four living children. All I could think was that this amazing woman has gone through life with no memorials, no trees planted, no pictures, no memories of holding her daughters, no urns, no ceremonies, no songs. And her heart is heavy, so so heavy. My appointment ended. I wanted to get up and give Cindy a hug, but she moved fast and I knew her mind was elsewhere. As I was making my next appointment she came back to me and touched me and said "there are six hygienists here, and I got assigned to you. I needed you today. You come see me."

 I am thankful for and dearly love my friends and family for allowing me to talk and for not making me feel shamed that Simone died. ~Thank you.

A Different Heart

So I didn't take you through my whole week. I guess I can't yet. Maybe next year. After Simone's birthday came and went, I actually was unsure if I would really write this blog or not. But then I read a fellow bloggers entry today and it was so heartfelt and pure that I knew I needed to continue this. There are so many things about Simone's short existance that baffle me and sit deep deep in my heart. Who wouldn't say life has changed after such an event. Or I have heard multiple times the phrase used "new normal". I guess I don't know what normal really means. But that's neither here nor there.  What I am leading into, is that I really have changed since that day. As anyone does with a life changing event. The only way that I can explain it is that your heart gets fuller, bigger, more wide open, and your patience for b.s. completelly disappears. At the same time that Simone died, my brother was having relationship problems. He called me two days after she died and asked me how I was doing. I told him I wasn't. Then he launched into his sad sad story of she doesn't love me anymore. I extended my condolences and hung up. No time for such nonsense. Until the doctor explains to you that your child died you won't have the same heart that I do.

Crying

I told a friend for the first time today that Simone's birthday is coming up. I started to say anniversary of her death and I stopped and I said her birthday. I don't know the difference. I don't know if there really is one. All I know is that she slipped away, and I can't stand it. I looked at her pictures last night. I will force myself to open her box and take everything out, and read every card, and hold her plastered feet, and the clipping of her black hair. I am saving everything for next week. I don't want to spoil my precious moments. I already lost so many, these I need to myself. I remember right after she died I couldn't wait for Gus and Ethan to leave the house together, because then I could sit and cry and not care. There are so many moments that are flooding in. I am saving them all, but one I can share now. It hurt so bad and I wanted someone else to be as uncomfortable and speechless as me, so I did a horrible thing. I called my companies employee benefits center and talked to a gal about life insurance. I knew she was gonna tell me I couldn't get it because Simone never actually "lived". I just wanted to hear her say it out loud. And I wanted her to say it out loud because I needed it to hurt even harder than it already did.

Almost There

Almost there...it's that time of year again where my mind is consumed by memories. It's difficult to put it away, and really I don't want to, but I know that I scare people with my thoughts. So I don't talk about it. Correction, I try really hard not to talk about it. I think people probably get sick of hearing me mention Simone. I just can't help it. She's my child. And what do you say to someone that talks about their dead child. There isn't anything to say, and I end up putting people on the spot so I just shut up. I still can't answer the question, how many children do you have. I like going to the doctor, because then when they ask me, I can give the full answer. The eye doctor and his assistant got the whole story from me two weeks ago. Something about the title doctor and I just open up. He didn't care, and neither did she, and then I made my husband uncomfortable because his appointment was after mine and everyone in the office knew all about us!  So I found a place to talk. Right here. And if anyone listens, that's okay, but really it's just for me.